Here it is .. a blogpost after God knows how many years, after I had promised to keep up with it the last time I posted here. But then again promises are usually meant to be broken. Right? :-)
Anyways, its rather unnerving how life constantly throws at you moments of dilemmas or confusion. Everything ends with a question mark. Should I wear the blue jeans or the black ones today? It it Tuesday or Wednesday? Do I really have a meeting this afternoon? Did I lock the apartment?
For some of us, the dilemmas end here; for others especially the homemakers amongst us, their universal dilemma lies in this one question: What do I make for dinner tonight? (I am serious, and you homemakers out there reading this know it! Hahah) Yet others have more complex dilemmas like, do I take the Porsche 911 or the BMW M5 for a spin? Yes, you name it and its a dilemma. Fortunately for most people, these dilemmas last a few seconds or minutes, and the choice is made. For some others, it takes an hour or two and the dilemma thankfully passes. However, recently I have found myself in a strange dilemma too that has no real choice.
I have been yearning for 'time-off' from work for the past few months, literally dreaming about a few work-free weeks in my life, when I can just relax in some far away land and pursue other rather fun interests. Strangely though, just when I have found myself exactly in those circumstances with no work, no responsibilities and living at my relatives' place for free in Dubai, I find myself wanting exactly the opposite. Instead of enjoying my well-deserved time off from work, I felt utterly guilty about not working. I mean, it couldn't get any better. Amazing weather all day, everyday! (look below). Great food, good time occasionally hanging out with cousins. And yet, my guilt trip knew no bounds.
My guilt conscience has been so overwhelming that I started going to my uncle's workplace everyday for 8 to 10 hours a day (even if it meant driving for an hour and a half to Abu Dhabi from Dubai and back) just so I can get away from home. This at least gave me the illusion that I had a purpose; to leave home everyday, even if it meant sitting in an office in a commercial district of Abu Dhabi and browsing through 100s of job postings online.
What's sad is the fact that as soon as I will إن شاء الله (God-willing) get a job some day, I am going to instantly regret having spent all these days in constant worry and frustration. What's more worse is that I already know this and yet I still choose to remain worried and frustrated about not landing a decent job in roughly a month's worth of search efforts. Totally stupid of me, right? I thought so too ...
But here's what it all boils down to in my opinion, UNCERTAINTY. The moment I will know of a job starting at a future date, I know I wont wait a second to plan things out that I want to squeeze in before starting the new gig. However, since there is no set date in the future, I choose to drag my life along in misery and frustration, without any sense of direction except for scrolling up and down on job websites.
Someone were absolutely right when they said, "Truth is Stranger than Fiction". I think if my life were a movie, it would be very intuitive and entertaining, unlike reality which is very strange and complex.
Anyways, its rather unnerving how life constantly throws at you moments of dilemmas or confusion. Everything ends with a question mark. Should I wear the blue jeans or the black ones today? It it Tuesday or Wednesday? Do I really have a meeting this afternoon? Did I lock the apartment?
For some of us, the dilemmas end here; for others especially the homemakers amongst us, their universal dilemma lies in this one question: What do I make for dinner tonight? (I am serious, and you homemakers out there reading this know it! Hahah) Yet others have more complex dilemmas like, do I take the Porsche 911 or the BMW M5 for a spin? Yes, you name it and its a dilemma. Fortunately for most people, these dilemmas last a few seconds or minutes, and the choice is made. For some others, it takes an hour or two and the dilemma thankfully passes. However, recently I have found myself in a strange dilemma too that has no real choice.
I have been yearning for 'time-off' from work for the past few months, literally dreaming about a few work-free weeks in my life, when I can just relax in some far away land and pursue other rather fun interests. Strangely though, just when I have found myself exactly in those circumstances with no work, no responsibilities and living at my relatives' place for free in Dubai, I find myself wanting exactly the opposite. Instead of enjoying my well-deserved time off from work, I felt utterly guilty about not working. I mean, it couldn't get any better. Amazing weather all day, everyday! (look below). Great food, good time occasionally hanging out with cousins. And yet, my guilt trip knew no bounds.
My guilt conscience has been so overwhelming that I started going to my uncle's workplace everyday for 8 to 10 hours a day (even if it meant driving for an hour and a half to Abu Dhabi from Dubai and back) just so I can get away from home. This at least gave me the illusion that I had a purpose; to leave home everyday, even if it meant sitting in an office in a commercial district of Abu Dhabi and browsing through 100s of job postings online.
What's sad is the fact that as soon as I will إن شاء الله (God-willing) get a job some day, I am going to instantly regret having spent all these days in constant worry and frustration. What's more worse is that I already know this and yet I still choose to remain worried and frustrated about not landing a decent job in roughly a month's worth of search efforts. Totally stupid of me, right? I thought so too ...
But here's what it all boils down to in my opinion, UNCERTAINTY. The moment I will know of a job starting at a future date, I know I wont wait a second to plan things out that I want to squeeze in before starting the new gig. However, since there is no set date in the future, I choose to drag my life along in misery and frustration, without any sense of direction except for scrolling up and down on job websites.
Someone were absolutely right when they said, "Truth is Stranger than Fiction". I think if my life were a movie, it would be very intuitive and entertaining, unlike reality which is very strange and complex.
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